Jerf Answers Your Mail

2004-05-22

Today, I'm going to answer some of the fan mail I receive for this site that has been backing up. I figure, why write something to one person when you can write it to everyone at once? Cuts some effort out of the repetition. But I get so many fan mails (1,500 in the last ten days!) that I can really only answer a sampling, and to keep things short, I can only really respond to the titles. Here we go:

gain your financial freedom today: Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose... and as I'm unemployed, I don't think I can get much more free.
To the 10 of you who said "Hello!", I say, "Hello!" to you, too. But would you please take your five viruses back?
deceptive antaeus: Interesting vocabulary you have there; learning about Antaeus was fun, but I don't really think he was deceptive. Could you provide a reference for that, preferably in the original Greek?
Did you know that 2/3's of your website visitors leave without engaging you?: My wife thinks that 1/3 is about 1/3 too many... and what do you do with several hundred engagement rings, anyhow? I'm in contact with Fox for a reality show based on this.
do you like killing yourself?: Do you really think this is an appropriate way to open a conversation about Viagra? Surely something a little more tasteful would be in order. Why not post something to your blog and send me a link?
Dreamweaver MX 2004 clearance yapping: Sorry, I prefer the non-yapping software. Even my wife, the zoologist, wasn't a big fan of Dogz.
For info@jerf.org! URGENT!: No no, hun, that's the subject line.
Gotham Alerts: Monthly stock tips: I prefer my stock tips to come from Metropolis; Superman can travel through time, which is valuable for a stock broker.
Have a nice day! //instruction to me; and, therefore, it would me ungrateful in: Comments don't work in SMTP, so your social faux pas has not gone un-noticed. Please consider your impolite self blacklisted.
i'm bored with this life: Kill yourself.
I just need a friend: Look in your private mail; I've sent you the email address of the previous emailer.
I love you too... ive been waiting for this to happen degenerate: I love it when you insult me.
Jerf cream puffs gonad around 5: Look, I'll pay anything for those tapes, but my replies keep bouncing! I need a real email address!
Jerf, how do they f@k.k with snakes?: I keep trying to send you a picture but your ISP is rejecting the email as obscene. Sorry.
Microsoft security training. Your pace. Your schedule.: Thank you for this informative email, but it was horribly overblown. You don't need twenty-one kilobytes to say, "Don't".
pheobe: Best Friend.
real vi*agra protest: I've sent you the email of the "killing yourself" guy above, he's got some info you need.
Receive big discounts on MS Win 2000, XP, Office, Adobe, Corel software from Dennis's Softwrae Store: I got your discount right here.
scam We guarentee you're be blown away by the results! bedlam: Where can I get a copy of your honest email program? And would it be OK to distribute it freely to the rest of my fans?
Show me some love: I have sent you my snake f@k.k pictures.
slavery: is bad, mm'kay?
There's no place like hofq: Where?
What makes a sock a diabetic sock: I'm going to take a shot and guess, diabetes?
When imaginations become real: ... you have an off-the-shelf Star Trek episode.
Your Account #%RND_DIGIT[15-20] has been charged: Whether you spell it string& replace, "".replace, or this god-awful monstrosity, it's like the second freakin' thing anyone ever learns to do in a programming language. Here, let me write it for you in Python:
```
import random
def accountreplace(s):
    account = ''.join([str(random.randint(0,9)) 
                        for x in range(random.randint(15,20))])
    return s.replace("#%RND_DIGIT[15-20]", account)
```
I've seen this sort of stupidity from you several times. Don't you think you should stop embarassing yourself?
hitler: And with that invokation of Godwin's Law, that ends this post.

Y'all love me so much, I get so much fan mail I had to install special filters to handle it all. That gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling right here, in the finger I use to delete mail. I think it's overworked.