Jerf Answers Your Mail

Today, I'm going to answer some of the fan mail I receive for this site that has been backing up. I figure, why write something to one person when you can write it to everyone at once? Cuts some effort out of the repetition. But I get so many fan mails (1,500 in the last ten days!) that I can really only answer a sampling, and to keep things short, I can only really respond to the titles. Here we go:

  • gain your financial freedom today: Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose... and as I'm unemployed, I don't think I can get much more free.
  • To the 10 of you who said "Hello!", I say, "Hello!" to you, too. But would you please take your five viruses back?
  • deceptive antaeus: Interesting vocabulary you have there; learning about Antaeus was fun, but I don't really think he was deceptive. Could you provide a reference for that, preferably in the original Greek?
  • Did you know that 2/3's of your website visitors leave without engaging you?: My wife thinks that 1/3 is about 1/3 too many... and what do you do with several hundred engagement rings, anyhow? I'm in contact with Fox for a reality show based on this.
  • do you like killing yourself?: Do you really think this is an appropriate way to open a conversation about Viagra? Surely something a little more tasteful would be in order. Why not post something to your blog and send me a link?
  • Dreamweaver MX 2004 clearance yapping: Sorry, I prefer the non-yapping software. Even my wife, the zoologist, wasn't a big fan of Dogz.
  • For! URGENT!: No no, hun, that's the subject line.
  • Gotham Alerts: Monthly stock tips: I prefer my stock tips to come from Metropolis; Superman can travel through time, which is valuable for a stock broker.
  • Have a nice day! //instruction to me; and, therefore, it would me ungrateful in: Comments don't work in SMTP, so your social faux pas has not gone un-noticed. Please consider your impolite self blacklisted.
  • i'm bored with this life: Kill yourself.
  • I just need a friend: Look in your private mail; I've sent you the email address of the previous emailer.
  • I love you too... ive been waiting for this to happen degenerate: I love it when you insult me.
  • Jerf cream puffs gonad around 5: Look, I'll pay anything for those tapes, but my replies keep bouncing! I need a real email address!
  • Jerf, how do they f@k.k with snakes?: I keep trying to send you a picture but your ISP is rejecting the email as obscene. Sorry.
  • Microsoft security training. Your pace. Your schedule.: Thank you for this informative email, but it was horribly overblown. You don't need twenty-one kilobytes to say, "Don't".
  • pheobe: Best Friend.
  • real vi*agra protest: I've sent you the email of the "killing yourself" guy above, he's got some info you need.
  • Receive big discounts on MS Win 2000, XP, Office, Adobe, Corel software from Dennis's Softwrae Store: I got your discount right here.
  • scam We guarentee you're be blown away by the results! bedlam: Where can I get a copy of your honest email program? And would it be OK to distribute it freely to the rest of my fans?
  • Show me some love: I have sent you my snake f@k.k pictures.
  • slavery: is bad, mm'kay?
  • There's no place like hofq: Where?
  • What makes a sock a diabetic sock: I'm going to take a shot and guess, diabetes?
  • When imaginations become real: ... you have an off-the-shelf Star Trek episode.
  • Your Account #%RND_DIGIT[15-20] has been charged: Whether you spell it string& replace, "".replace, or this god-awful monstrosity, it's like the second freakin' thing anyone ever learns to do in a programming language. Here, let me write it for you in Python:
    import random
    def accountreplace(s):
        account = ''.join([str(random.randint(0,9)) 
                            for x in range(random.randint(15,20))])
        return s.replace("#%RND_DIGIT[15-20]", account)
    I've seen this sort of stupidity from you several times. Don't you think you should stop embarassing yourself?
  • hitler: And with that invokation of Godwin's Law, that ends this post.

Y'all love me so much, I get so much fan mail I had to install special filters to handle it all. That gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling right here, in the finger I use to delete mail. I think it's overworked.